Lent 2012

The "ashes to ashes, dust to dust" aspect of Ash Wednesday has got me thinking about dust. It occurs to me that this blog has become rather dusty lately. I have left it abandoned not because I haven't had anything to say, but because I have been ridonkulously busy for the past 6 weeks. But this season of Lent is causing me to pause and contemplate. I'd like to share some of those contemplations with you, hopefully posting each day of Lent. This is not "what I'm doing for Lent." That is between me and God. This is just a healthy exercise in getting my thoughts on paper, er screen.

Let me get you up to speed.

January was spent doing an internship at a hospital. It was an 8-5 chaplain gig, which was one of the most valuable learning experiences I've ever had, and also one of the most exhausting. I was emotionally drained at the end of the day, but would muster up the energy to study for ordination exams.

Which takes us to the major stress in my life lately, the ords. The Presbyterian ordination process requires all candidates to pass 5 ordination exams. The first is the Bible content exam, which I passed last January, and the other four are called the senior exams. Most Presbyteries require that all four be taken at the same time. The topics include Theology, Worship/Sacraments, Polity and Exegesis. The first three are three hours each and the fourth is a take home which you have five days to complete. As you can imagine, it is very stressful to take nine hours worth of exams in two days and then have to carry on for another five days by diving deeply into a Biblical text. I'm exhausted just reminiscing on it! Having completed them, I now dwell in that liminal space of waiting to hear if I passed them or not. I won't find out until mid March. I'm doing my best not to think about it, knowing there's nothing I can do but wait.

In other news, I got engaged! This is very exciting and I couldn't be more joyful, but it has also added wedding planning onto my already full schedule. Not that I'm complaining, I love it so far. I'll be posting on that in the coming days.

And then there is school. We're into week 2 and I'm already overwhelmed by quizzes and presentations and sermons. I'm taking a full-time load and continuing my internship at a local congregation.

All of that should provide plenty of material for blogging in the next 40 days or so...

MLK jr Birthday Reflection

Today I lament because of blisters. Blisters in and of themselves are worth lamenting over, because they're rather painful and annoying. I happen to have two matching blisters, one on each foot, thanks to a 9.5 mile run I did this morning.

But these blisters are causing me to lament over the sad reality of privilege and racism in our society, especially how I participate in that system.

Yes, going from blisters to racism is a rather big leap, but allow me to explain. I went to the drugstore to purchase some type of moleskin to alleviate my blister situation. There were only a few options, the best one being a product from Dr. Scholl's. Here is a picture of the packaging:

Do you notice the "Nearly invisible" phrase on the box? Well, it isn't false advertising. If you're Caucasian. This blister bandage really does blend in to my peachy flesh. Which is nice, because it doesn't draw unwanted attention to my feet. But if your skin is darker, say a lovely shade of black, this bandage isn't going to be invisible on your skin. It will be quite apparent. Just like most of the other bandages on the shelves of drugstores and in the supply rooms of hospitals.

Our society still defines the norm for skin color as white. And so these bandage makers get away with declaring that their products blend in, nearly invisibly, when applied to skin. I lament because I participate in this system which perpetuates privilege. By purchasing this product, I have said "yes" to racism. I have done my part to perpetuate injustice.

A few decades after MLKjr's time, we've come a long way. But we've got a long way to go.

Chaplain Tears

It took four days, just four, for this class to lead me to tears. I held it in those first three days but this day, this less than stellar fourth day caused me to cry tonight.

There wasn't anything particularly awful about today. I did rounds on both my units, met with a few patients. Encountered a patient who is Southern Baptist and was clearly offended by the idea of an ovary-bearing-soon-to-be-ordained-chaplain. I brushed that off, realizing this isn't about me.

It's about the patients. It's about these people who are lying in their hospital beds, immersed in anguish and pain. Facing terminal diagnoses and transfers to places where they will likely die. This is about them. It's about being, encouraging and praying.

I pray for strength to carry through the next three weeks of this course. As I wake up each day, uncertain of what the hours hold for me, I pray. And I hope that my interactions with these patients is nurturing. That they will glean some comfort. That I will do more good than harm. It's a tricky thing, this chaplain business.

The Comforts of "Home"

I'm back in my hometown for Christmas. There is an 11" blanket of snow on the ground and homemade cookies in the cookie jar. People are still angry about the noise pollution from the airport and Twin Peaks Mall is still a blight on society. Tebow fever is raging and Kathy Sabine's coat sleeves are too short.

Not much changes around here.

And I like it. I like coming "home" to this familiar, pokey town. With so much changing in my life these days, I find comfort in this town.

Gettin' Ready

I confess I usually don't give enough attention to Advent. I don't think I'm alone. It is difficult being a student and having to worry about finals in December. Who has time for Advent? Who has time to prepare for Christ?

In my spiritual direction group this week, we looked at a Mary Oliver poem. It seemed appropriate for Advent, so I'm going to post it as my Advent gift to you.

Making the House Ready for the Lord

Dear Lord, I have swept and I have washed but
Still nothing is as shining as it should be
for you. Under the sink, for example, is an
uproar of mice—it is the season of their
many children. What shall I do? And under the eaves
and through the walls the squirrels
have gnawed their ragged entrances—but it is the season
when they need shelter, so what shall I do? And
the raccoon limps into the kitchen and opens the cupboard
while the dog snores, the cat hugs the pillow;
what shall I do? Beautiful is the new snow falling
in the yard and the fox who is staring boldly
up the path, to the door. And still I believe you will
come, Lord: you will, when I speak to the fox
the sparrow, the lost dog, the shivering sea-goose, know
that really I am speaking to you whenever I say,
as I do all morning and afternoon: Come in, Come in.


Even when I fail at Advent, Christ still comes. Even when I fail daily to invite God in, God comes anyway. In this I find peace.

Cute Creation

After camping in Washington state during my fall break, I've made a vow to spend more time outside. This can be a challenge when I'm bogged down by papers and sermon writing and whatnot. So today I had an hour to fill and while I felt the urge to sit down with the sermon I'm currently working on, I decided to go outside and walk. Two dogs appreciated this option.

As I was walking dog #1, a woman stopped and said "You have a really cute dog! Can I pet her?" I responded with "Thanks! Yeah, go ahead." As soon as the word came out my mouth, it felt completely wrong. Thanks? It's so funny that I instinctively took credit for the cuteness of this dog. First of all, this isn't even my dog. She belongs to my friend who is devoting this year to service in Guatemala. Seems odd for me to take credit for my friend's dog's cuteness.

And then I thought, but even if this were my dog, it's still odd for me to be taking credit for her cuteness. I mean, it's not like the woman said "Way to go! You adopted a really cute dog!" If she had complimented my choice of dog, that would be one thing. But she was complimenting the dog itself. I can't really take credit for this lil hairball full of love and cuteness. I didn't have anything to do with her creation.

So as I walked away from this encounter I thought of a better response: "I know! Isn't God good at making cute creations?"

Candidate

I recall the first time I flew into the Austin airport, coming to visit the seminary and have my face-to-face interview with the Admissions staff. I was full of anxiety, unsure that this journey to seminary would be a good fit.

This past weekend I again flew into the Austin airport, coming "home" from my meeting with the Presbytery in Colorado to move on in the ordination process. I was full of peace, sure that this journey I'm on is a good fit.

Yes, this was a hoop to jump through, but it was also one more affirming step in the process. I'm thankful to have a community of supporters, letting me know that I'm not crazy to think that God would be calling me to ministry.