On Tuesday I found closure. The youth director who served our church when I was in high school was sentenced to 12 years in prison for violating his probation. Finally. I mentioned my high school youth group experience in one of my posts this week and that it has been a huge part of my discernment/processing here at seminary. When the initial trial was going on, I remember hearing a peer say that the only person who should feel traumatized by this situation is the victim. But who was the victim? Yes, there was one person who came forward with testimony of sexual misconduct, but I realize that there were many more victims in this scenario than that peer was acknowledging. My experience on the Gulf Coast after Katrina/Rita taught me that trauma can affect more than the obvious. Of course people who lost their homes were traumatized, but so many others were too. In our orientation to volunteers, we always told them to be aware of their own emotional health during their week in the recovery zone. Trauma affected them too. It affected the people who saw the images on TV. It affected the people who evacuated and came back to their homes untouched by the storm. It isn't fair to categorize trauma or to rank it. Everyone is different. Every experience of the same situation is different. Our youth director was not only guilty of sexual abuse, but was also guilty of emotional abuse. I know I'm not the only one recovering from that. People outside our youth group were affected and hurt by this as well. The church's name was smeared all over the media and of course the community made the same assumptions about the Presbyterian church that they do about the Catholic church with their abuse scandals. Members of our church, including my dad, had devoted countless hours trying to work through the mess that was created. People left the church. People left their faith. I don't think I'll ever fully realize how huge the impact of this situation was.
What I do know is that this experience left me wondering what I was going to do with my life. Growing up I had always thought I would get into some sort of ministry as a career, but I dropped any notion of that plan when this all went down. It didn't matter how many incredible mentors I had in the church or how many incredible experiences I had growing up. This situation erased all of that and in my mind people in the church were the ones who hurt you. Amazing how one experience can change the direction of your entire life. It wasn't until I worked with PDA on the Gulf Coast and saw the amazing love pouring out of the church that I realized how distorted my thinking had become. Thus the healing began and still continues.
This prison sentence isn't going to fix everything, but I am at peace knowing that justice has been served. My heart is filled with relief and the little things that would normally get me frazzled (getting called out in New Testament when I wasn't paying attention, doing poorly on the Hebrew quiz this morning, etc.) don't seem so bad.
"Comfort, O comfort my people, says your God" ~ Isaiah 40:1
Showing posts with label high school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label high school. Show all posts
Friday, February 19, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day!
Not going to make any promises about writing frequently on this here blog, but for some reason I feel inspired to share some stuff with you out there in the internets. This may become a routine end of day deal, or maybe this will be the only post for three months. Keep coming back to check, I love leaving you in suspense.
For the past five months I haven't known what to write on here. I also haven't known what to say in real life off the internets, as I've had one existential crisis after another. This is a normal symptom of seminary. Pretty sure I've cried more in the past 4 months than I have in the past 24 years, which is a good thing. Progress.
So today I had a bit of a breakthrough. As I was organizing the Valentine's aisle (I work at a drug store now, more on that later), amidst the stuffed animals and pounds of chocolate, I was thinking back to the past few Valentine's Days. I like to do this on every holiday, even quirky ones like Groundhogs day. So what did I do on Valentine's Day...
...2006...last year of college but I don't remember what I did that day. Probably watched Pride and Prejudice (BBC version of course) and hosted a pity party for Single's Awareness Day. Gotta love mopey Becca.
...2007...was in Mississippi enjoying a week without volunteers in the camp. I think we were in the midst of moving from the community center site to the post office site. I remember being very tired that month. I also remember finding out that my grandpa was sick and unlikely to recover. He died 10 days later on his 91st birthday. That night I was treated to a Chinese Buffet with Big John, Jan and Graham. It was awkward.
...2008...was at the low point of my quarter life crisis. I think I was working at the library that night. This was before my substitute license had been processed, so I was working 12 hours a week shelving books, living with my parents, feeling very down.
...2009...was in DC for an AmeriCorps conference. I was in the midst of processing some major life decisions. I remember walking over to a basilica or cathedral across from the school where were were staying, and sat in their prayer garden. Appropriately enough I started praying and asking myself some tough questions. I had just submitted my applications to four graduate schools and was discerning which route to take: Social Work or Seminary. I don't know how much time passed, but I remember crying a lot and trying to figure out what to do with all the snot running down my face as I didn't have any tissues. After a while I was at peace with the plan to go to seminary. As I walked back toward the campus a maintenance worker stopped me to ask if I was okay. He must have thought I was broken hearted or lonely on Valentine's Day because he told me that whoever he was, he didn't deserve me. I laughed and kept on walking.
...2010...attending Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary and finally loving it. Last semester was iffy. There was way too much discernment and assessing our lives - where we've been and where we're going. It was uncomfortable and frightening, but I've finally dealt with some stuff I had let get covered in dust. Started acknowledging some childhood trauma. Admitted that my experience in high school youth group hurt me more than I allowed myself to admit before. Began to think about the future and what it might look like after seminary. So, I guess you could say I've been a bit busy. I can only guess it will be more of the same for the next 2.5.
As I look at this time line, I'm amazed at how much progress I've made and am overwhelmed by the notion that I'm in a really healthy place for the first time in a long time. What a relief!
That's all for now.
For the past five months I haven't known what to write on here. I also haven't known what to say in real life off the internets, as I've had one existential crisis after another. This is a normal symptom of seminary. Pretty sure I've cried more in the past 4 months than I have in the past 24 years, which is a good thing. Progress.
So today I had a bit of a breakthrough. As I was organizing the Valentine's aisle (I work at a drug store now, more on that later), amidst the stuffed animals and pounds of chocolate, I was thinking back to the past few Valentine's Days. I like to do this on every holiday, even quirky ones like Groundhogs day. So what did I do on Valentine's Day...
...2006...last year of college but I don't remember what I did that day. Probably watched Pride and Prejudice (BBC version of course) and hosted a pity party for Single's Awareness Day. Gotta love mopey Becca.
...2007...was in Mississippi enjoying a week without volunteers in the camp. I think we were in the midst of moving from the community center site to the post office site. I remember being very tired that month. I also remember finding out that my grandpa was sick and unlikely to recover. He died 10 days later on his 91st birthday. That night I was treated to a Chinese Buffet with Big John, Jan and Graham. It was awkward.
...2008...was at the low point of my quarter life crisis. I think I was working at the library that night. This was before my substitute license had been processed, so I was working 12 hours a week shelving books, living with my parents, feeling very down.
...2009...was in DC for an AmeriCorps conference. I was in the midst of processing some major life decisions. I remember walking over to a basilica or cathedral across from the school where were were staying, and sat in their prayer garden. Appropriately enough I started praying and asking myself some tough questions. I had just submitted my applications to four graduate schools and was discerning which route to take: Social Work or Seminary. I don't know how much time passed, but I remember crying a lot and trying to figure out what to do with all the snot running down my face as I didn't have any tissues. After a while I was at peace with the plan to go to seminary. As I walked back toward the campus a maintenance worker stopped me to ask if I was okay. He must have thought I was broken hearted or lonely on Valentine's Day because he told me that whoever he was, he didn't deserve me. I laughed and kept on walking.
...2010...attending Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary and finally loving it. Last semester was iffy. There was way too much discernment and assessing our lives - where we've been and where we're going. It was uncomfortable and frightening, but I've finally dealt with some stuff I had let get covered in dust. Started acknowledging some childhood trauma. Admitted that my experience in high school youth group hurt me more than I allowed myself to admit before. Began to think about the future and what it might look like after seminary. So, I guess you could say I've been a bit busy. I can only guess it will be more of the same for the next 2.5.
As I look at this time line, I'm amazed at how much progress I've made and am overwhelmed by the notion that I'm in a really healthy place for the first time in a long time. What a relief!
That's all for now.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The eyeliner is thicker and everyone has iPods
Last weekend I got the chance to take part in yet another retreat that my church's youth group attended. I've lost count of how many of them I've gone to in my lifetime- a couple in middle school, even more in high school and two this year as a leader/work crew member. The format of these retreats varies a bit each time, but in general each retreat is the same. Friday night opens the weekend with the goofy skits, an awesome (and sometimes not so awesome) band playing a mix of their own songs and worship songs, and then the speaker gets up there to tell some stories, throw some Bible verses in there and attempt to speak to the hearts of the students in attendance. Then there are the delectable Young Life meals and free time on Saturday afternoon followed by a really serious session when the speaker invites anyone who wants to accept Jesus in their hearts to raise their hands to be prayed over. There are always tears during this part. Right after that is Family Time when a deep discussion can be had, and then more free time late into the night. Sunday morning brings another session when the speaker tells the kids how to re-enter the world with their new identity in Christ and then more delicious food at brunch when the famous Chicken Enchilada Casserole gets devoured. Clean the rooms and attempt to fold the blankets properly and then it is time to drive back down the mountains.
I'm glad that hundreds of students get to experience these retreats each year and I'm hopeful that they are greatly impacted by them. To be quite honest, these retreats just aren't my cup of tea. Young Life is an amazing organization and I fully respect their mission, but it just isn't my style. It's too comfortable. I've always been much better at practice and application than I am at theory, especially when it comes to love. This is why the mission trips we called Doulos always affected me more than the weekend retreats to the mountains. It was easy for me to see Jesus in the smiles of the street kids we played with and the mouths of the homeless we fed and in the various construction and cleaning projects we took part in on those mission trips. It was hard for me to see Jesus in the inflatable games we bounced around in and at the tables where the yummy food was always in supply at the retreats.
I wish I would have listened more closely when I was a participant in these retreats several years ago. I can honestly say that I only remember bits and pieces of one retreat speaker's message when I was in high school. If I had paid attention and let the messages penetrate my heart, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache while I was in college when I was bitter and angry. I wish I could go back to my high school self and tell her how stupid she is. I'd like to tell her that she worries about silly things way too much and that she needs to love and respect herself a whole lot more. If she would stop envying every other person in her life, maybe she'd find out that she isn't a hideous beast.
Fortunately I've learned a bit since then. Plus I have an amazing opportunity to invest in the lives of our church's high school kids and hopefully convey some of the messages that I needed to hear when I was in their shoes.
I'm glad that hundreds of students get to experience these retreats each year and I'm hopeful that they are greatly impacted by them. To be quite honest, these retreats just aren't my cup of tea. Young Life is an amazing organization and I fully respect their mission, but it just isn't my style. It's too comfortable. I've always been much better at practice and application than I am at theory, especially when it comes to love. This is why the mission trips we called Doulos always affected me more than the weekend retreats to the mountains. It was easy for me to see Jesus in the smiles of the street kids we played with and the mouths of the homeless we fed and in the various construction and cleaning projects we took part in on those mission trips. It was hard for me to see Jesus in the inflatable games we bounced around in and at the tables where the yummy food was always in supply at the retreats.
I wish I would have listened more closely when I was a participant in these retreats several years ago. I can honestly say that I only remember bits and pieces of one retreat speaker's message when I was in high school. If I had paid attention and let the messages penetrate my heart, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache while I was in college when I was bitter and angry. I wish I could go back to my high school self and tell her how stupid she is. I'd like to tell her that she worries about silly things way too much and that she needs to love and respect herself a whole lot more. If she would stop envying every other person in her life, maybe she'd find out that she isn't a hideous beast.
Fortunately I've learned a bit since then. Plus I have an amazing opportunity to invest in the lives of our church's high school kids and hopefully convey some of the messages that I needed to hear when I was in their shoes.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Papa Murphy's
I'm going to skip talking about babysitting and working in the church nursery since I don't consider them real jobs. So that brings me to the first job I had: pizza maker at Papa Murphy's Take n Bake Pizza. I worked here during the summer between Sophomore and Junior years in high school and while it started out great, things turned sour after a few months.
The job was simple enough: make pizzas. We didn't even have to bake them which made things even easier. You take the crust (which was pre-made by one of the managers), throw some sauce on it (which you had to weigh in order to get the amount right), toss some cheese on it (which was also weighed) and then whatever toppings the customer wanted. The toppings either had to be counted or measured just right so that each pizza was made to perfection and the inventory wasn't thrown off. Seriously easy stuff right?
Well, I had a manager who was somewhat of a dirty perv who carried a machete like knife with him everywhere he went. I think this guy was an escapee from a mental clinic because he had serious issues. Besides being a dirty perv, he also assumed that everyone else in the world is incompetent and that he could trust anyone to do anything. Thus the fact that he wouldn't let me work the cash register until I'd worked there for four months and had mastered my skills in Saran Wrap (wrapping the pizzas in Saran Wrap was not easy with the way it was set up and most of us incompetent employees spent months trying to perfect it to his standards).
By the time I had finally been promoted to work the cash register I decided it was time to stop working there. I had only planned on it being a summer job and my school load was pretty heavy that semester. Plus my friend Jen died and suddenly the thought of making pizzas under the supervision of a dirty perv manager didn't seem like a rewarding way to spend my time. So I gave my two weeks notice and hoped it would be a clean break. No such luck. The dirty perv begged me to stay. He went on to offer me his stereo if I stayed. I said no. He said I could have four free pizzas a week while the norm was one per week. I said no. He finally came to accept the situation and on my last day I went into his office to turn in my name badge and he grabbed my hand and told me that if I were ten years older, he would have asked to marry me. I don't remember how I responded to this, but I distinctly remember having the desire to throw up as I was driving home from that last shift.
The job was simple enough: make pizzas. We didn't even have to bake them which made things even easier. You take the crust (which was pre-made by one of the managers), throw some sauce on it (which you had to weigh in order to get the amount right), toss some cheese on it (which was also weighed) and then whatever toppings the customer wanted. The toppings either had to be counted or measured just right so that each pizza was made to perfection and the inventory wasn't thrown off. Seriously easy stuff right?
Well, I had a manager who was somewhat of a dirty perv who carried a machete like knife with him everywhere he went. I think this guy was an escapee from a mental clinic because he had serious issues. Besides being a dirty perv, he also assumed that everyone else in the world is incompetent and that he could trust anyone to do anything. Thus the fact that he wouldn't let me work the cash register until I'd worked there for four months and had mastered my skills in Saran Wrap (wrapping the pizzas in Saran Wrap was not easy with the way it was set up and most of us incompetent employees spent months trying to perfect it to his standards).
By the time I had finally been promoted to work the cash register I decided it was time to stop working there. I had only planned on it being a summer job and my school load was pretty heavy that semester. Plus my friend Jen died and suddenly the thought of making pizzas under the supervision of a dirty perv manager didn't seem like a rewarding way to spend my time. So I gave my two weeks notice and hoped it would be a clean break. No such luck. The dirty perv begged me to stay. He went on to offer me his stereo if I stayed. I said no. He said I could have four free pizzas a week while the norm was one per week. I said no. He finally came to accept the situation and on my last day I went into his office to turn in my name badge and he grabbed my hand and told me that if I were ten years older, he would have asked to marry me. I don't remember how I responded to this, but I distinctly remember having the desire to throw up as I was driving home from that last shift.
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