I've become guilty of losing the forest for the trees. This is mostly due to the fact that I overloaded my plate of life this past month, leading to a near mental breakdown. Turns out I'm not superwoman and cannot handle 35-40 hours of working on top of seminary full time. Good lesson to learn.
I'm supposed to be in New York right now doing a training for the Accompanier program with the Presbyterian Peace Fellowship. I'd been looking forward to this for months and would admit that getting ball rolling on this endeavor was at the top of my "Things I'm Excited About in Life Right Now" list. Instead, I'm in Austin. I canceled the trip because I would have missed one huge exam and three baby quizzes, which wouldn't have been the end of the world, but I came to realize my need to rest. Yes, the training would have been amazing. Yes, Spring Break is one week away. But my experience on the Gulf Coast with PDA taught me when to know my limits and to not push myself too far.
I've also become so focused on minor details and frustrations, that I haven't allowed the bigger picture to remain in focus. Take Hebrew for example. One of the reasons I came to seminary was a desire to learn Hebrew and Greek so that I could read the original text. I now have 250 Hebrew words memorized and yet I can't translate a sentence to save my life. Where the heck do the nuns and definite articles go? My frustrations have taken a hold of me and I've forgotten the reason I'm taking the class. I need to remember that in order to read the Hebrew Bible, I must do a lot of hard work first. This notion applies to the greater seminary experience as well. Yes I want to minister with integrity, which means I need a degree and must put in the hard work. Oy Vey!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Prayers for an Eastside Drugstore
Bless those who come in to buy food with their Lonestar foodstamps. May their hunger cease and may their cards not be rejected. Remind those of us living in abundance that there is more than enough to go around.
Bless those who come in to pick up their prescription. May their ailments be remedied and let their health insurance cover their needs. Open up the hearts of our representatives who have the power to make change.
Bless those who call me out for not suggesting the item of the month. May that free bottle of water quench their thirst. Help me to smile as they celebrate their victory.
Bless those who take two bus transfers to our store to buy the cheapest cigarettes in town. May their every breath be filled with good things. Improve the way we educate our youth on the dangers of this habit.
Bless those who clip coupons, living on fixed incomes or no income. May their savings be plentiful and keep those coupons coming. Lead our nation toward a better way where unemployment isn't a necessary component of the economy.
Bless those who come in to steal condoms and beer and cosmetics. May their yearnings cease. Grant the employees discernment and guidance away from profiling shoppers.
Bless those who come in to pick up their prescription. May their ailments be remedied and let their health insurance cover their needs. Open up the hearts of our representatives who have the power to make change.
Bless those who call me out for not suggesting the item of the month. May that free bottle of water quench their thirst. Help me to smile as they celebrate their victory.
Bless those who take two bus transfers to our store to buy the cheapest cigarettes in town. May their every breath be filled with good things. Improve the way we educate our youth on the dangers of this habit.
Bless those who clip coupons, living on fixed incomes or no income. May their savings be plentiful and keep those coupons coming. Lead our nation toward a better way where unemployment isn't a necessary component of the economy.
Bless those who come in to steal condoms and beer and cosmetics. May their yearnings cease. Grant the employees discernment and guidance away from profiling shoppers.
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Trouble with Trauma
On Tuesday I found closure. The youth director who served our church when I was in high school was sentenced to 12 years in prison for violating his probation. Finally. I mentioned my high school youth group experience in one of my posts this week and that it has been a huge part of my discernment/processing here at seminary. When the initial trial was going on, I remember hearing a peer say that the only person who should feel traumatized by this situation is the victim. But who was the victim? Yes, there was one person who came forward with testimony of sexual misconduct, but I realize that there were many more victims in this scenario than that peer was acknowledging. My experience on the Gulf Coast after Katrina/Rita taught me that trauma can affect more than the obvious. Of course people who lost their homes were traumatized, but so many others were too. In our orientation to volunteers, we always told them to be aware of their own emotional health during their week in the recovery zone. Trauma affected them too. It affected the people who saw the images on TV. It affected the people who evacuated and came back to their homes untouched by the storm. It isn't fair to categorize trauma or to rank it. Everyone is different. Every experience of the same situation is different. Our youth director was not only guilty of sexual abuse, but was also guilty of emotional abuse. I know I'm not the only one recovering from that. People outside our youth group were affected and hurt by this as well. The church's name was smeared all over the media and of course the community made the same assumptions about the Presbyterian church that they do about the Catholic church with their abuse scandals. Members of our church, including my dad, had devoted countless hours trying to work through the mess that was created. People left the church. People left their faith. I don't think I'll ever fully realize how huge the impact of this situation was.
What I do know is that this experience left me wondering what I was going to do with my life. Growing up I had always thought I would get into some sort of ministry as a career, but I dropped any notion of that plan when this all went down. It didn't matter how many incredible mentors I had in the church or how many incredible experiences I had growing up. This situation erased all of that and in my mind people in the church were the ones who hurt you. Amazing how one experience can change the direction of your entire life. It wasn't until I worked with PDA on the Gulf Coast and saw the amazing love pouring out of the church that I realized how distorted my thinking had become. Thus the healing began and still continues.
This prison sentence isn't going to fix everything, but I am at peace knowing that justice has been served. My heart is filled with relief and the little things that would normally get me frazzled (getting called out in New Testament when I wasn't paying attention, doing poorly on the Hebrew quiz this morning, etc.) don't seem so bad.
"Comfort, O comfort my people, says your God" ~ Isaiah 40:1
What I do know is that this experience left me wondering what I was going to do with my life. Growing up I had always thought I would get into some sort of ministry as a career, but I dropped any notion of that plan when this all went down. It didn't matter how many incredible mentors I had in the church or how many incredible experiences I had growing up. This situation erased all of that and in my mind people in the church were the ones who hurt you. Amazing how one experience can change the direction of your entire life. It wasn't until I worked with PDA on the Gulf Coast and saw the amazing love pouring out of the church that I realized how distorted my thinking had become. Thus the healing began and still continues.
This prison sentence isn't going to fix everything, but I am at peace knowing that justice has been served. My heart is filled with relief and the little things that would normally get me frazzled (getting called out in New Testament when I wasn't paying attention, doing poorly on the Hebrew quiz this morning, etc.) don't seem so bad.
"Comfort, O comfort my people, says your God" ~ Isaiah 40:1
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Remember the poor
I have about 3 hours worth of reading to do and my 8am class is quickly approaching. Before I can continue to dive into the books, I need to process something that is heavy on my heart.
At our Ash Wednesday service this morning, the departing charge was to "Go in peace. Remember the poor." I thought this was kind of a funny way to end a very beautiful and restoring worship service. Remember the poor. Is that it? Just remember them? Is that supposed to mean that it is okay that they are poor, as long as we remember them? I don't buy it.
I had the opportunity to fellowship with the poor on Monday night as I helped out at a freeze shelter for women. I was a last minute substitute, so I wasn't fully prepared to spend the night at the church, but they sounded desperate so I said yes. The night went fine, just a few problems but nothing serious. Until 7am. Most women who stay in the shelter understand the rules, including the one about being out of the building by 7am. They are all very grateful for the warm place to stay, even if it is on the hard tile of the church's fellowship hall. They don't want to ruin a good thing by breaking the rules. Evidently one woman was unaware of this rule and decided to hop in the shower at 6:55. At 7:02 I knocked on the door and told her I would give her 5 minutes to wrap up, but that we had to lock up asap. At 7:15 she was still in the shower, door locked. At 7:18 she was out of the shower, but I could hear the washing machine going. I asked if she was doing laundry and she said yes.
This is when crazy Becca emerged. I am beyond ashamed for what transpired next.
I had made it clear that we were now trespassing in the church and that we had to leave right then. She didn't want to listen to me, so the male volunteer who was there yelled at her and threatened to call the police. She then opened the door and let me come into the shower room. All of her clothes were in the middle of wash cycle. All of them. She was completely naked, standing there staring at me and looking for a solution. All I can think about is the fact that I have a quiz in my 8am class that I must be present for, therefore she must leave immediately. So I told her I could offer her some clean clothes from the closet. She declined and instead opened up the washing machine, took out some clothes and put them on. At this point I'm beginning to realize that this woman isn't mentally healthy and if Texas actually had funding for social services, she could be living in an institution that would nourish her. Instead she lives on the streets like trash. My heart sank as we walked out of the building, she dripping wet, me on the verge of tears.
I try to think about what it was like to be in her shoes. Humiliating. I kicked her out of the church with her ziplock baggie with toothpaste and a toothbrush, and an HEB bag full of her soaking wet clothes. Her sole possessions. I can imagine it was brutally cold to walk outside in wet clothes, with wet hair.
All because I had to make it class on time for a quiz that I later found out is only worth 2.5% of our overall grade. Shame on me.
My friend Brenna who attends Princeton Seminary and who is a brilliant theologian, once remarked how difficult it can be to sit in the classroom learning theory when we could be out in the world feeding the hungry. I struggled through three classes on Tuesday, thinking about that soaking wet woman. Wondering why I was in seminary. In my heart I know that I'm called to be here, but there are moments like Tuesday morning when I question that call. This uneasy feeling will likely linger for the remainder of my time here. I shall persevere and hold on to the faith that in the end it will be worth it. And I will remember the poor.
At our Ash Wednesday service this morning, the departing charge was to "Go in peace. Remember the poor." I thought this was kind of a funny way to end a very beautiful and restoring worship service. Remember the poor. Is that it? Just remember them? Is that supposed to mean that it is okay that they are poor, as long as we remember them? I don't buy it.
I had the opportunity to fellowship with the poor on Monday night as I helped out at a freeze shelter for women. I was a last minute substitute, so I wasn't fully prepared to spend the night at the church, but they sounded desperate so I said yes. The night went fine, just a few problems but nothing serious. Until 7am. Most women who stay in the shelter understand the rules, including the one about being out of the building by 7am. They are all very grateful for the warm place to stay, even if it is on the hard tile of the church's fellowship hall. They don't want to ruin a good thing by breaking the rules. Evidently one woman was unaware of this rule and decided to hop in the shower at 6:55. At 7:02 I knocked on the door and told her I would give her 5 minutes to wrap up, but that we had to lock up asap. At 7:15 she was still in the shower, door locked. At 7:18 she was out of the shower, but I could hear the washing machine going. I asked if she was doing laundry and she said yes.
This is when crazy Becca emerged. I am beyond ashamed for what transpired next.
I had made it clear that we were now trespassing in the church and that we had to leave right then. She didn't want to listen to me, so the male volunteer who was there yelled at her and threatened to call the police. She then opened the door and let me come into the shower room. All of her clothes were in the middle of wash cycle. All of them. She was completely naked, standing there staring at me and looking for a solution. All I can think about is the fact that I have a quiz in my 8am class that I must be present for, therefore she must leave immediately. So I told her I could offer her some clean clothes from the closet. She declined and instead opened up the washing machine, took out some clothes and put them on. At this point I'm beginning to realize that this woman isn't mentally healthy and if Texas actually had funding for social services, she could be living in an institution that would nourish her. Instead she lives on the streets like trash. My heart sank as we walked out of the building, she dripping wet, me on the verge of tears.
I try to think about what it was like to be in her shoes. Humiliating. I kicked her out of the church with her ziplock baggie with toothpaste and a toothbrush, and an HEB bag full of her soaking wet clothes. Her sole possessions. I can imagine it was brutally cold to walk outside in wet clothes, with wet hair.
All because I had to make it class on time for a quiz that I later found out is only worth 2.5% of our overall grade. Shame on me.
My friend Brenna who attends Princeton Seminary and who is a brilliant theologian, once remarked how difficult it can be to sit in the classroom learning theory when we could be out in the world feeding the hungry. I struggled through three classes on Tuesday, thinking about that soaking wet woman. Wondering why I was in seminary. In my heart I know that I'm called to be here, but there are moments like Tuesday morning when I question that call. This uneasy feeling will likely linger for the remainder of my time here. I shall persevere and hold on to the faith that in the end it will be worth it. And I will remember the poor.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day!
Not going to make any promises about writing frequently on this here blog, but for some reason I feel inspired to share some stuff with you out there in the internets. This may become a routine end of day deal, or maybe this will be the only post for three months. Keep coming back to check, I love leaving you in suspense.
For the past five months I haven't known what to write on here. I also haven't known what to say in real life off the internets, as I've had one existential crisis after another. This is a normal symptom of seminary. Pretty sure I've cried more in the past 4 months than I have in the past 24 years, which is a good thing. Progress.
So today I had a bit of a breakthrough. As I was organizing the Valentine's aisle (I work at a drug store now, more on that later), amidst the stuffed animals and pounds of chocolate, I was thinking back to the past few Valentine's Days. I like to do this on every holiday, even quirky ones like Groundhogs day. So what did I do on Valentine's Day...
...2006...last year of college but I don't remember what I did that day. Probably watched Pride and Prejudice (BBC version of course) and hosted a pity party for Single's Awareness Day. Gotta love mopey Becca.
...2007...was in Mississippi enjoying a week without volunteers in the camp. I think we were in the midst of moving from the community center site to the post office site. I remember being very tired that month. I also remember finding out that my grandpa was sick and unlikely to recover. He died 10 days later on his 91st birthday. That night I was treated to a Chinese Buffet with Big John, Jan and Graham. It was awkward.
...2008...was at the low point of my quarter life crisis. I think I was working at the library that night. This was before my substitute license had been processed, so I was working 12 hours a week shelving books, living with my parents, feeling very down.
...2009...was in DC for an AmeriCorps conference. I was in the midst of processing some major life decisions. I remember walking over to a basilica or cathedral across from the school where were were staying, and sat in their prayer garden. Appropriately enough I started praying and asking myself some tough questions. I had just submitted my applications to four graduate schools and was discerning which route to take: Social Work or Seminary. I don't know how much time passed, but I remember crying a lot and trying to figure out what to do with all the snot running down my face as I didn't have any tissues. After a while I was at peace with the plan to go to seminary. As I walked back toward the campus a maintenance worker stopped me to ask if I was okay. He must have thought I was broken hearted or lonely on Valentine's Day because he told me that whoever he was, he didn't deserve me. I laughed and kept on walking.
...2010...attending Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary and finally loving it. Last semester was iffy. There was way too much discernment and assessing our lives - where we've been and where we're going. It was uncomfortable and frightening, but I've finally dealt with some stuff I had let get covered in dust. Started acknowledging some childhood trauma. Admitted that my experience in high school youth group hurt me more than I allowed myself to admit before. Began to think about the future and what it might look like after seminary. So, I guess you could say I've been a bit busy. I can only guess it will be more of the same for the next 2.5.
As I look at this time line, I'm amazed at how much progress I've made and am overwhelmed by the notion that I'm in a really healthy place for the first time in a long time. What a relief!
That's all for now.
For the past five months I haven't known what to write on here. I also haven't known what to say in real life off the internets, as I've had one existential crisis after another. This is a normal symptom of seminary. Pretty sure I've cried more in the past 4 months than I have in the past 24 years, which is a good thing. Progress.
So today I had a bit of a breakthrough. As I was organizing the Valentine's aisle (I work at a drug store now, more on that later), amidst the stuffed animals and pounds of chocolate, I was thinking back to the past few Valentine's Days. I like to do this on every holiday, even quirky ones like Groundhogs day. So what did I do on Valentine's Day...
...2006...last year of college but I don't remember what I did that day. Probably watched Pride and Prejudice (BBC version of course) and hosted a pity party for Single's Awareness Day. Gotta love mopey Becca.
...2007...was in Mississippi enjoying a week without volunteers in the camp. I think we were in the midst of moving from the community center site to the post office site. I remember being very tired that month. I also remember finding out that my grandpa was sick and unlikely to recover. He died 10 days later on his 91st birthday. That night I was treated to a Chinese Buffet with Big John, Jan and Graham. It was awkward.
...2008...was at the low point of my quarter life crisis. I think I was working at the library that night. This was before my substitute license had been processed, so I was working 12 hours a week shelving books, living with my parents, feeling very down.
...2009...was in DC for an AmeriCorps conference. I was in the midst of processing some major life decisions. I remember walking over to a basilica or cathedral across from the school where were were staying, and sat in their prayer garden. Appropriately enough I started praying and asking myself some tough questions. I had just submitted my applications to four graduate schools and was discerning which route to take: Social Work or Seminary. I don't know how much time passed, but I remember crying a lot and trying to figure out what to do with all the snot running down my face as I didn't have any tissues. After a while I was at peace with the plan to go to seminary. As I walked back toward the campus a maintenance worker stopped me to ask if I was okay. He must have thought I was broken hearted or lonely on Valentine's Day because he told me that whoever he was, he didn't deserve me. I laughed and kept on walking.
...2010...attending Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary and finally loving it. Last semester was iffy. There was way too much discernment and assessing our lives - where we've been and where we're going. It was uncomfortable and frightening, but I've finally dealt with some stuff I had let get covered in dust. Started acknowledging some childhood trauma. Admitted that my experience in high school youth group hurt me more than I allowed myself to admit before. Began to think about the future and what it might look like after seminary. So, I guess you could say I've been a bit busy. I can only guess it will be more of the same for the next 2.5.
As I look at this time line, I'm amazed at how much progress I've made and am overwhelmed by the notion that I'm in a really healthy place for the first time in a long time. What a relief!
That's all for now.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Black Belt Patriotism
Black Belt Patriotism: How We Can Restore the American Dream by Chuck NorrisMy rating: 3 of 5 stars
I give this book three stars which may be a bit generous, but I rank it that high because of its entertainment value, not so much for the content. I appreciate how Chuck Norris points out that he is not a scholar or an expert on Sociology or Political Science, but just a concerned citizen. I admire the fact that he is voicing is concern for the current state of our nation, since a lot of people seem to be apathetic. I have to admit that when I looked at the table of contents for Norris' book I thought "Huh, I agree with him on a lot of these points". Ceasing our national debt? Yes please. Valuing human life? Of course. A call to get American's physically healthy. Oh yeah. But then I kept on reading and kept on getting frustrated. I could go point by point through the chapters and talk about why I disagree with Chuck, but I don't feel like that is the purpose of this review. Instead I'll just give you one tidbit that would have caused me to throw the book across the room had it not been a library book. In making his case for the need for family values, Chuck lists off many statistics about the current state of the American family. In the middle of listing off percentages of family incomes and "latchkey kids" Chuck states that "Nearly half of America's labor force is women, and of course many of these women are mothers". He doesn't elaborate on what he means by this sentence, instead he continues to bombard the reader with more numbers. I'm left to assume that Chuck means the rightful place for women is in the home, especially if they are mothers. Oh Chuck, you're breaking my heart and this is only page 11. I knew I wouldn't agree with a lot of what Norris would be talking about in this book which is why I read it. I think it is important to know what people are talking about on the other end of the spectrum, especially when they are people who have much public appeal. I realize that a lot of people would be more likely to pick up Chuck Norris' book than a Howard Zinn book. All in all, this book wasn't a complete waste of time. It was much needed relief from the heavy reading that I'm doing at Seminary and it was good for a few laughs.
View all my reviews >>
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Little gems
Since arriving in Austin I've been exposed to a lot of really neat things and thought I would pass along a few in particular that make my heart happy.
Everyday Justice
Julie Clawson is a member of our seminary community (I don't want to label her as the wife of one of my fellow students because I feel like that discredits her - kind of like that one time at CU when Laura Dern was introduced as "Ben Harper's wife" not accomplished actress and social activist. But anywho.). I haven't read her book yet because other books like Calvin's Institutes and The Bible seem to have taken priority in my life, but she has spoken to our community about the book and I saw an excerpt for it in Sojourners magazine so I have a feeling it is full of some pretty great stuff.
Sweet Leaf Tea
I discovered this magical beverage at UCCS where it was sold in the cafe and I fell in love and developed an addiction. My friend Josh told me that I was mistakenly born in Colorado and that my heart belonged in the South because I loved sweet tea. I guess you could say that Sweet Leaf is part of the reason why I felt called to the South after college and starting thinking about living there later in life as well. I just recently found out that it is made right here in Austin, TX! I don't want to admit to how much time I've wasted on their website, but I recommend checking it out because it is fun. Love their ideology.
The Rocketboys
My new favorite band. I've become friends with Justin who plays the keyboard and a bunch of us went to their CD release show last week. It started at midnight. On a school night. It was badass.
Everyday Justice
Julie Clawson is a member of our seminary community (I don't want to label her as the wife of one of my fellow students because I feel like that discredits her - kind of like that one time at CU when Laura Dern was introduced as "Ben Harper's wife" not accomplished actress and social activist. But anywho.). I haven't read her book yet because other books like Calvin's Institutes and The Bible seem to have taken priority in my life, but she has spoken to our community about the book and I saw an excerpt for it in Sojourners magazine so I have a feeling it is full of some pretty great stuff.
Sweet Leaf Tea
I discovered this magical beverage at UCCS where it was sold in the cafe and I fell in love and developed an addiction. My friend Josh told me that I was mistakenly born in Colorado and that my heart belonged in the South because I loved sweet tea. I guess you could say that Sweet Leaf is part of the reason why I felt called to the South after college and starting thinking about living there later in life as well. I just recently found out that it is made right here in Austin, TX! I don't want to admit to how much time I've wasted on their website, but I recommend checking it out because it is fun. Love their ideology.
The Rocketboys
My new favorite band. I've become friends with Justin who plays the keyboard and a bunch of us went to their CD release show last week. It started at midnight. On a school night. It was badass.
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