First comes love

I'm taking a mental health day today. After working with PDA on the Gulf Coast, I've learned that it is best to take a break before you actually get burnt out. I'm not so much burnt out with work, because I love what I do, but I've been asked to change jobs a bit and need some space to think about it. More on that later.

Today I've cracked away at my to-do list and have been quite successful in gettin' it done. On that list, I included blogging because I haven't really had time to do it lately.

The topic most on my mind currently is love/dating.

My brother got married this summer, and perhaps that has something to do with why this concept is consuming my mind. In the past I've never given the topic much notice because I thought I was doing just fine without it. Now I'm at a point in my life when I am finally content with who I am. I'm starting to better define my faith and am not completely turned off by religion anymore. I have a great job that I love. I'm back in Colorado with my mountains. I've burned off the winter blubber that I gained during my post-PDA depression. I'm still living at home, but it isn't too bad of a situation, especially since I've been house sitting for other people a lot. Maybe I'm feeling so "whole" in all other aspects of life that I'm finally seeing that hole in my heart where intimacy could be.

Here's a bit about my dating history (and the word "bit" is appropriate since there isn't much history to talk about). I dated a guy in high school for about 3 months. Then I realized that I didn't really have feelings for him and broke it off in order to be fair to him. After breaking up we still went to prom which was like a total kick ass time (please note sarcasm there). Since then, one guy asked me out in college, but I turned him down because I was going through my "I hate all men crazy feminist phase" of my life. This phase was due to a whole lot of woman's studies courses and a messed up frame of mind left over from our church's youth director who put some pretty kooky ideas in my head.

I have been in love with a guy before. I just never told him. After all, "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love" as Charlie Brown once said. So true my blockhead friend.

I take full responsibility for my lack of relationships. In high school I had these crazy notions about courtship and usually didn't even consider dating an option. In college I was so messed up with hyper-feminist ideas as well as a severe self confidence problem, there was no way I'd have a healthy relationship. In Mississippi I told myself not to be on the look out for a guy since I was still nursing some old wounds and needed to take time to figure out who I was before bringing another person into the picture.

So I guess that brings us up to date. I look around and see people in love with each other and I think "Huh, that would be nice". But then I readjust my eyes and look around. Perhaps it is due to the crowd I'm surrounding myself with, but I'm not really seeing any potential guys. I know my heart has been tainted by some of the jerks that my friends have dated. When I look at them, it makes me wonder if there are any non-douche bags out there. And then I catch wind of things like an article Bryce wrote about recently. And the frustration increases.

The other day I met a guy who was kind and genuine and attractive, but I missed my opportunity to give him my phone number. That happens when you have no courage. So now I'm hoping to run into him again, but who knows when that will be.

Tonight will be another Friday night of hanging out with my parents or perhaps taking my dog for a long walk. I could make tonight's theme song "Your New Twin Sized Bed" by Death Cab For Cutie, or I could go with "Single" by Natasha Bedingfield. I guess it all depends on perspective.