Oh, The Places You'll Go!

A lot has happened since June of last year. Ten months ago I was ready to be done with church altogether. My frustrations and anger had been building for quite some time, pretty much since high school, but last summer I wanted to call it quits for real. This was really bad timing since it also happened to be the same week that I started a job as substitute custodian at our church- it's really hard to run away from something when you're stuck inside the walls everyday. I admit I didn't give 100% to that job and while I regret that, I can't go back and fix it.

Fast forward to September when I started as an AmeriCorps member with "I Have a Dream". I found myself working for an organization that I really believed in. I admire the mission of IHAD which is to commit ten years to young at-risk kids who might not have the opportunity to attend college otherwise. The ironic part of this job is that I sought something not related to church and wound up yearning for that faith element. IHAD is doing a really great thing, but I miss being able to pray for clients/kids and going to God when we have budget woes and trying to figure out what Christ is calling us to do in our community. I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side.

When it came time to start figuring out what I should do next year, I found myself leaning heavily toward grad school. This process has been another long, drawn out debate since I've found so much value in the world's classroom and didn't see myself going back to school. Long story short, I decided to go back. So I narrowed my choices down to four schools: two universities for social work and two seminaries. I figured it would be good to keep my options open and see where I was being led. Through the process of applying, there were instances where God was clearly steering the ship: I missed the application deadline for one school and needed two pre-reqs before enrolling in the fall at another (currently don't have the time or the money for them). Those two choices were eliminated and they happened to be the schools for social work. Ok God, I get the hint.

That left the two seminaries: Iliff School of Theology in Denver, a rather progressive Methodist school which specializes in Peace and Justice studies, or Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary in Austin, Tx. At this point my mind was saying "Go to Iliff! You'll fit in there with people who think similarly to you! You'll be in Colorado with the mountains you love and near the family you love. It makes sense". But my heart was saying "Go to Austin! It makes no sense, but it is where you need to be!".

I heard from Iliff first, with a letter saying I had been accepted and they'd love to see me in the fall. The next week I received a letter from Austin saying I was accepted there as well. Without much hesitation (because I knew that if I drew out this decision it would get ugly) I responded to Iliff with a "no thanks" and Austin with a "see you in the fall". The logical side of me kept reminding me that I hadn't even visited the campus yet, had never even been to Austin before and had no idea how I was going to pay for this. I thought back to time when I made the decision to be a YAV in Mississippi. My vague understanding beforehand was that it would be a year of no pay, living in an RV in the Mississippi swamp and running a camp for volunteers, which I was very much under qualified to do. Not the most enticing job description, but I had a gut feeling that this was where I needed to be. Turns out it was the most difficult and wonderful year of my life, so who knows what Austin will bring.

Two weeks later I visited Austin. I'd been planning the trip for a few months though it was a bit silly that I decided to attend Austin before even checking it out. I guess that's how I roll. When I bought the plane ticket I figured it would be great to see three fabulous friends that I haven't been the best at keeping in touch with, even if I decided the school wasn't for me. Fortunately everything felt right when I was there. I love the campus. I adore the city. I'm excited that I already know some terrific people there.

I then flew straight to Atlanta for a discernment weekend with the Fund for Theological Education. My boss nominated me since I'm sort of the token Christian in our AmeriCorps crew. I had no idea what the purpose of the weekend was, but I wasn't about to turn down a free trip to Atlanta! Turns out it was one of those rare opportunities where people on similar paths collide in one place and have the chance to sort out their emotions and plans and ideas. All of us who were at the conference are serving in year long volunteer programs around the country and are all considering vocation with the church. I'm still processing the experience and will leave that for another post. I can say that it was very exciting to be surrounded by other people who see the need for reform in the church since we aren't satisfied with the way it is now.

At this point I knew where I was going and that there would be some incredible conversations awaiting me there. The lingering worry on my mind was money. Seminary is not cheap and while there is a lot of funding out there for it, I was nervous. Then, the last day of the conference in Atlanta, I received a phone call from the president of Austin Seminary saying that I have been granted the Jean Brown Merit Fellowship which will cover tuition, part of housing, food and books for my three year stay there. I thought he was joking! I applied for that scholarship thinking there was no way I would get it. Through tears and near hyperventilation I told him thank you and that I would gladly accept it. I think this was God's way of saying "Alright kid, you're out of excuses. Get your ass to seminary". Maybe that's not a direct quote, but you get the idea.