This story starts back in high school when I read the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I'm not proud of this fact, but I was a budding evangelical so it made sense to read it. I was convinced that "courting" was the way to go and that if God wanted me to have a boyfriend, God would make that happen. So I waited. And waited. And then I got confused. I wondered if God wanted me to be single forever, to take a vow of celibacy and to devote my life to the church. So I got it in my head that I should take that vow of celibacy but if Gilbert Darcy (my dream man) happened to come along, I would take it as a sign that God wanted me to be in a relationship.
That's what happens when you read too many books, watch too many movies and hang out with too many Crazy Conservative Christians.
I had gotten so used to be single, it became my norm which was comfortable and safe. By keeping men away, I could protect myself from getting hurt. I'd go on first dates, but I'd refuse to go on second dates when I knew there was no chance that he and I would get married someday. Needless to say that was a pretty strict system which resulted in very few second dates. I had intentionally closed myself off from others, pushing them away before they had the chance to get close. I'm going to skip through my relationship history since I've written about that before. So I'll jump ahead to present day and get down to the business of coexistence.
I got to seminary and started to understand how our Trinitarian God functions in relationship and we are designed to mimic that. That sounded great in theory, but I wasn't even sure I was capable of being in a romantic relationship after all these years of solitude. I started to wonder if there were a different way to approach life, one in which I would allow someone else to get to know me and see my vulnerable side. That notion sounded frightening and wonderful all at the same time.
And then I met this great guy. We did the friend thing for a few months because I became unavailable and then he was unavailable. Then one day we went out for a movie and drinks which wasn't supposed to be a date, but let's be honest, it was a date. Right after that non-date, I went to Trinidad and Tobago for 2 weeks and I couldn't stop thinking about this guy. I got some advice from friends and worked up the nerve to tell him I had feelings for him and wanted to be more than friends. I was going to ask a guy out for the first time in my life. I didn't actually get to ask him though, because he beat me to it.
It's now been about 6 months and we're still together. I wouldn't dream of claiming that I'm an expert on relationships after 6 months, but I do feel like I've gained some insight into what it means to be in a committed partnership. Here's where Barth comes back into the story.
Barth claims that an intimate relationship between two people should look like the perichoretic dance of the trinity. I realize that's one of those fancy pants theology words that most of the world doesn't know about, but it's become one of my favorite words. "Perichoresis" refers to the constant "dance" of the trinity which is something beyond our human understanding. We are finite beings using limited language, after all. To use a really terrible metaphor, think of three people throwing a frisbee to each other, but the three people are catching and throwing that one frisbee all at the same time. Sound confusing? Welcome to Trinitarian theology. The Trinity is in constant movement with the three persons, yet the three persons of the Trinity remain distinct. They live in constant mutual indwelling and reciprocal love. No one member of the Trinity is valued above the others which means there is no subordination of a member. This is the ideal for our intimate relationships as well.
One of my biggest fears about being in a relationship is losing my identity. I have a problem with the tradition of lighting a unity candle at weddings when the original two candles are blown out. All that talk about two becoming one sounds romantic, but I still want to be my own person. The three persons of the Trinity are still three distinct beings and yet they are inseparable. They don't just mesh into one holy blob. I don't want to become a blob in my relationship either. I have dreams and goals and thoughts that I want to be my own. I know that a relationship requires sacrifice on some level, but I don't want to sacrifice all of me. I want to keep my own goals and dreams while at the same time embracing my partners' goals and dreams and making new goals and dreams that we can share.
One of the biggest surprises about being in this relationship I'm in, is that I don't feel like I'm losing myself. It helps that we have different views on things like politics and theology and we also have different gifts and talents. We both seem to be able to hang on to these things that make us unique and yet there is this connection that draws us together. I can't describe this connection because I don't have the right words, but I will say that it is the closest I've come to feeling the "perichoritic" dance. Needless to say, this is all very confusing. Almost as confusing as the times when this guy tells me I look beautiful when my hair is poofy and I'm not wearing any makeup. That doesn't make sense to my head and this perichoritic dance doesn't make sense to my heart, yet both of these things make me smile.
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