Identity Crisis

The first time I left the house without baby was when I was asked to be a panelist at an event for graduating seniors at my seminary. We were asked questions about our transition from seminary to first jobs/calls, highlighting what went well and what we struggled with.

I couldn't even remember what I did straight out of seminary.

My brain was so fried at that point, I was lucky to string a few coherent words together. I remember listening to my 2 colleagues who were also on the panel, and I was blown away by how eloquently they spoke. They remembered details about their first months out of school and were able to speak at length about the joys and challenges of ministry. That had such sage wisdom to offer these soon-to-be pastors and chaplains and social workers.

And there I sat, wondering if I'd be able to speak that well again, hoping I remembered to brush my hair and, praying I wouldn't start leaking breast milk. When introduced for the panel, the professor did mention that I had just had a baby, so hopefully people understood why I was such a mess. If not, perhaps they just thought I was some looney pastor who fell victim to burnout too soon.

The next time I went out without baby was for my part time job demoing chocolate at Whole Foods. This was the first time I found myself in a context where no one knew I'd just had a baby. It was sort of jolting to find myself in that context, since my whole world for the past 2 months had revolved around this change to motherhood. I found myself struggling with the identity of "woman" without "mother" attached to it. It took me half the demo to find my rhythm and remember how to interact with people who weren't going through the same experience as I was with a newborn, or who didn't care that I'd just had a baby.

I am now 6 months into motherhood and still find myself struggling in situations where baby isn't present or isn't mentioned. It is such a confusing and bizarre experience to want autonomy and independence, but also finding myself really enjoying my baby and my role as her mother.