My first time running after giving birth was rough. I'm not even sure you could call it running, more like fancy limping. My body had completely transformed thanks to pregnancy and the aftereffects, so my stride was not what it used to be. Everything felt odd and different. My belly was still super squishy and I'm not sure my organs had returned to their proper locations yet. My legs were carrying 30 fewer pounds than they were just two months before, yet they were somehow weaker than they were two months before. But I was determined to get back out and do something I loved to do pre-pregnancy.
I opted for the cushiony track at the local middle school, hoping it would soften the impact on my oh-so-sore body. There were several other people out there and I tried not to feel self-conscious. But I was slightly mortified to think about how I looked. Almost to the point where I wanted to tell everyone who passed me (including walkers who were walking faster than I was "running") that I had just had a baby 6 weeks before and I was still recovering. Surely they need an explanation for why I looked so ridiculous out there.
By lap 3 I was exhausted and looked at my watch to see if I could head home without feeling like it was a complete fail. I decided if I'd been at it for at least 20 minutes I could call it good. Just as I was about to check the time, a guy came running behind me. "Don't worry about your watch. You're looking strong, runner. Keep at it," he said. He then cruised past me, looking like a gazelle with his built-for-running-and-never-carried-a-baby-body.
At first I was offended. "How dare he!" I thought.
But then I caught myself smiling. I actually felt encouraged by his remarks. He wasn't being offensive. He wasn't sexually harassing me. He must have seen me doing my fancy limp around the track, looking rather dejected and ready to quit. So he spoke up and gave me the encouragement I needed to stop thinking about how I looked. Stop worrying about the clock.
I decided to put one foot in front of the other and do a few more laps. They weren't pretty, and I was sore for days afterward, but the experience was exhilarating. I was finding my new stride with this postpartum body. And I was reminded that I shouldn't compare myself to others or worry about what others think. Because I was just doing the best I could on that track.
The gazelle-man has no idea how much he helped me that day. His words still stick with me whether I'm running, or doing the motherhood thing, or being a pastor. I find myself repeating his words when I feel discouraged:
"Don't worry about what all the parenting books say. You're looking strong, mama. Keep at it."
"Don't worry about the church. You're looking strong, pastor. Keep at it."
This transition to motherhood has been hard. So I've decided to write about it in hopes that someone else doing their fancy limp through motherhood might relate and say, "You too?"
I've taken the Write 31 Days challenge and will be spending a bit of time each day this month reflecting on the transition to motherhood. I'm going to do my best not to talk about my kiddo, although she will inevitably come up given the topic, rather I want to focus on what the past few months have been like for me as a new mother. My aim is to write about my experience.
I hope I won't offend anyone, but I inevitably will. I loathe the so called "Mommy Wars" that seem to dominate all internet forums related to pregnancy and parenting and children. I don't want this to be a blog touting my superior parenting decisions and why someone doing it a different way is ruining their child. Because I don't believe that's the case. I'm not doing things the right way because there is no one-size-fits-all right way to do parenting and motherhood. I think we're all just doing the best we can for our particular situations and we should all just stand back in awe that anyone survives childhood.
So, thanks for tagging along with me this month as I Brene Brown my way through this vulnerable experience. It's going to get messy.
1. Transition to Motherhood
2. Commencing Motherhood
3. 2 Bedroom Airbnbs From Now On
4. The Liturgy of Baby
5. The Birth Plan Part I
6. The Birth Plan Part II
7. The Birth Plan Part III
8. The Birth Plan Part IV
9. A Few Hours of Freedom
No comments:
Post a Comment