Commencing Motherhood

When is the moment motherhood starts? When the positive sign appears on the pregnancy test? The first time she sees her baby and holds her? The moment CPS drops off the foster child and wishes you luck? When the adoption papers are finalized?

I suppose the beginning of motherhood is as ambiguous as the beginning of life. And it probably various for everyone.

For me, the first time I realized I was a mother was when I was five months pregnant. It sort of felt real before then, but it wasn't until I was in a minor car accident that it dawned on me that I was responsible for this little being inside me. Not only was I pregnant, I was a mother.

Like I said, the accident was rather minor. Another car turned in front of me as I was going down a busy road here in Austin. Fortunately, I'd already slowed down because I knew people had a tendency of turning there without being able to see oncoming traffic. So the incident really was minor and the damage to my car was pretty small.

But in that moment, as I sat there in the road after the collision, my brain was telling me that we were in a serious car crash and that the car was totaled and my baby was injured. It was the weirdest experience. The other driver signaled for me to pull into a nearby parking lot and all I could think was how ridiculous he was for believing my car could still operate. I took a few breathes and frantically clutched my belly waiting for baby to kick and show signs of life. She finally did and I was able to come back to reality and pull off the road.

I remember getting out of the car and feeling furious toward the other driver. "How dare you endanger my child!" I thought. I wasn't even worried about the damage to the car or myself or the other driver. It was all about this baby whom I was supposed to be protecting.

As I got back in my car to drive home, it hit me that I was now a mother. Not just a pregant woman, but a mother. All of the responsibility and challenges that come with that role began to swirl around my head.

And I realized this feeling of abundant love and anxiety wouldn't cease for as long as I live.